I’ve been feeling so terrible all day. I woke up at 1:30.Well technically i was supposed to wake up at 10 to go with my dad to prepare for the party but since the night before i couldn’t sleep at all and ended up sleeping at 5 because I can’t stop thinking about the worst things in my life ever, i had to blow him off.
So i woke up and just been feeling the absolute worst. Just crippling depression all day. As in, I can’t do anything at all. I just feel like lieing in a fetal position on my bed and crying. I have no other emotions but bad ones. I’m so scared and worried and sad about fucking everything. I’m such a piece of shit. I can’t even watch tv or the let’s plays or even play video games. I just can’t input things or do anything. Videos are just noise that’s covered up by my terrible thoughts and I can’t pay attention to video games enough for me to even play properly.
My greatest victory today was actually eating something. I somehow convinced myself that I needed to eat and actually got in my car and drove to wendys. Slightly prouder of the fact that i ate somewhat healthy. I really want to work out but I just can’t seem to do anything. I thought this headache was from not eating, but I’m pretty full and it’s just pure pain.
It’s like all the pain that I’m feeling has manifested into a horrible migraine. All these feelings and thoughts I just want to go away. i can’t see myself doing anything in the future to be happy i don’t think i’ll ever find anyone that cares about me the way i care about them, i just really wish she would like me but it’s never going to happen and i know that and i just wish i didn’t like her so much because she deserves better than some creepy friend fawning over her all the time and i wish i could just die so i don’t have to be such a fucking burden and weirdo to her and yet i get so jealous when some other guy hits on her and it kills me inside to think she might be with anyone but i want her to be happy and i really do wish she would find someone but at the same time i want to be that someone and i think the reason why i’ve held onto it so long is because it’s the only thing i can think that will actually make me happy is if she said yes or cared about me or just kissed me the once and it’s just i don’t see anything being good for me in the future. i don’t think i can do school i don’t think i’m cut out i’m just pretending and faking going to school from my parents right now saying that i’ll figure it out eventually that i have two classes but in reality i don’t have any and haven’t been looking into the other schools i would because i don’t really want to go to school and i can no longer see myself being happy at school or getting a degree. I used to be so sure of myself. That i wanted to get my degree in psychology and get a job and do it all but now I can’t even see myself doing a class. I can’t see myself GOING to class, I don’t know how to study or do anything! I don’t think i’m cut out for school but I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to just work somewhere and work my way up to being manager of some bullshit store or something. I don’t want that at all, i don’t know what I want.
When it comes to jobs and future careers I don’t have any aspirations or dreams. The only semblance of a dream I have is that I’d love to be a cartoonist or a writer on a cartoon or something. But that’s not a dream, that’s a wish. It would be impossible to have that job since I don’t have any skills and no way to do it. I might as well wish i was a rock star with my complete lack of musical or singing skill.
It’s funny, the two things I can see myself wanting in spite of all this depression and negativity I will never ever have, and shouldn’t want. God I really should kill myself, i don’t see anything but pain or suffering in my future. Or at least vague happiness. I can see myself being kinda happy, but it’s the happy i feel now. Not real, just a show for everyone and vague sense of joy that’s mostly overshadowed by everything else going on in my mind. just a painful smile holding back tears or shouting and pain. I keep thinking about suicide and keep thinking about just driving my car into a wall, that’s probably how’d i do it. a sudden thought no chance to be afraid of death to stop, no one else is hurt cause i’ll drive myself off-road into death. I couldn’t help but think about it driving to get food today again. my mind was in a headache then and i couldn’t think but all i was thinking about was driving straight into the divider, completely ignoring any other thoughts or sounds. i was starving on my way to food i really like and that’s all i could think about. good episode of a podcast going? nah, just thinking how fast i’d have to go to be certain i’d die. That’s what I want to feel. A release. A release of all this shitty emotions and right now, i feel like my life will always feel like now. always just be wishing for that release. maybe i’ll get the courage to do it and end my suffering and the burden of my life on others soon. I’d love to finally feel at peace for once instead of just pretending for others. Putting on a fake smile so I don’t let people know how I really feel. My friends are going through stuff of their own and I wish I could help them or at least not make it worse. I could never tell them, especially not her. She’s going through her own stuff and if she knew all this, i don’t know what i’d do. all i ever want to do is make her happy and help her never be sad so I put on that happy face so she can feel better, god if she fucking knew all this shit and how close i’ve actually come to killing myself and how much i think and care about her. I honestly don’t know what would happen, good or bad. it scares me thinking about that but i don’t want to think about it cause it might be bad. If anything it would make her cry and if I made her cry I would literally be the worst person ever. She means the world to me, and if I’m the person who hurts her, the person who makes her cry, then